My Soul-Sister

Dearest Jude,

I am gifting you this letter because I want you to truly understand you mean the world to me.

Please read these honest, heartfelt words as many times as you need, until they carve themselves like stone deep within your core.

Meeting Anthony was one of my most significant life events. Not only did I find my husband, but I gained you as my sister-in-law.

Growing up, each along side brothers, we yearned the company of a sister. We became related through marriage, but more relevantly, we became soul-sisters, supporting and cherishing each other through thick and thin over the past twenty years.

We've shared endless belly laughs until it hurt to breathe. We've shed painful tears when hope was compromised, and we've kept hilarious, embarrassing secrets we promised we'd take to our graves.

The flames of mutual love, trust and respect we carry are unique and precious.

Jude, I adore you.

Watching you painfully struggle these last six years as your health declined, has been tremendously heartbreaking.

I've felt and continue to feel so powerless ... useless.

I vow I will be your comforting, physical and emotional brace until your last breath is drawn.

You are not, nor will you be, alone.

I will hold your petite hand, wash your beautiful face and stroke your stunning hair as I walk down memory lane with you, proudly reliving all your amazing legacies, which you mostly, humbly swept under the carpet.

This will take a long while ...

You have touched all those who have crossed your path with love,  integrity, compassion and wit.

But your glowing, emanating smile has melted even the reserved or apathetic passerby.

Jude, I swear, if my love for you could save you, you would live forever.

I'm so humbled to call myself your sister-in-law, although our connection transcends all space and time and cannot be labelled by mere mortal words.

Thank you for being you.

Thank you for choosing me.

I love you ...❤️


In honour of Judy Hullick

18th March, 1966 - 27th November 2019

What's Going On?!

What the hell is wrong with me lately?!

I have a list of pending jobs to attack an arm's length long, but  no enthusiasm.

I fluff around dragging my sorry backside, as if it weighes a tonne,  barely completeing my necessary, farm chores.

What's going on?!

I'm usually like a bull at a gate, planning my days to overflow with productivity. I'm known as the type of person who 'Doesn't put off until tomorrow what I can do today, because I never know what tomorrow brings'.

It seems that phrase has gone straight down the gurgler ...

So why am I feeling so lethargic and unenthused presently? Is it because I am emotionally and physically exhausted?

I don't believe so.

Is it because I am subconsciously sensing the global uneasiness, anxiety and devastation this unforeseen Corona virus is provoking?

This could definitely be the case. I tend to pick up on energies easily.

Is it because I feel somewhat incarcerated within my five star prison cell?

I shouldn't be, as I'm fortunate to enjoy nearly 200, lushious acres of backyard.

Is it because social distancing and self isolation is causing  loneliness? Do I quite simply miss my friends?

Yes, of course I do.

Do I long for the freedom to shop, visit or even travel abroad to any location I wish?

 Well yes.

My planned reunion with family residing overseas in my happy place, is now postponed, thanks to this wrethched pandemic.

That certainly deflates me.

Maybe I am not pulling my finger out because I know for a fact, no one will be visiting our farm in the near future?

Mind you, I hope that's not the case! I'm not one to inspire the neighbors. I work to impress myself and my husband; for the upkeep and improvement of our property.

Are my middle-aged hormones throwing a party without warning or inviting me?

That could very well be true.                 

I don't know exactly why I'm so blasé, but I've decided, if I can, to go with the flow. Fighting my unpleasant feelings causes tremendous frustratration and annoyance. Self criticism is certainly not a helpful tool for my mental state. Continuing to beat myself up emotionally will only worsen the situation.

I'm often reminded to be more gentle with myself ... I should take heed.

I'm sure this too will pass.

Time for a cuppa 😊.

Fuck Off, Corona!

I don't know about you, but this pandemic messes with my emotions if I allow myself to go there.

I hastily visited our local, little country town this morning to collect our mail and buy a Sunday paper.

Usually my daily shop visit is my much-loved, social fix. Many of the supermarket employees and local clientele are dear friends, whom I look forward to warmly greeting each day. Lately the experience has become somber and heart-wrenching.

Because together,
But separately,
But together,
We are strong and are striving to eradicate this shitful virus.

We are all protecting each other by washing and sanitising our hands, some wearing masks and/or gloves, and isolating or adhering to the social distancing rule.

Great job, well done. We should all treat ourselves as infected to take the highest precautions possible. It's absolutely necessary. However, it's emotionally challenging to meet friends I haven't seen in a while.

Spontaneously I used to lunge in for the big bear squeeze, as I'm such a hugger!

Not anymore.

I love seeing familar faces in the local stores and neighbouring cafes. We usually mingle within our personal spaces, we catch up on previous day events, we support each other - all in a matter of precious minutes.

Now we re-enact these moments hurriedly from afar and although we continue to communicate, it's all about a quick check-in to make sure we're coping with this new normality.

I miss you.

Presently everyone wears an imaginary, emanating armor . There are walls between us like never before. For me, psychologically the distance feels far greater than the physical.

We are each an island.

As though we are each contaminated with God knows what. I especially sense this from strangers, and the way it makes me feel is not a place I like to dwell in.

On the other hand, this disturbing situation brings kindness to the forefront.

If I'm out walking and I happen to come across a fellow stroller (familiar or not), along the way, I will intentionally bid them a hearty greeting and wish them a lovely day.

Kindness doesn't hurt. It's free and brings a smile to my face, as well as the recipient's. We're all feeling the pinch and appreciate a comforting, friendly word, even from across the road.

And thank goodness for social media.

I predominantly love keeping in contact with overseas family and friends, especially during this fragile, unforeseeable time.

I enjoy playing around and joking with my Facebook friends too, but now that technology has become the main means of communication, it's not that funny anymore. It's serious and I appreciate and value it one million times more.

I am also in awe of the creativity people are coming up with during their isolation. Some are cooking up a storm, some are finding amazing, meaningful ways to celebrate special occasions. Some are indulging in their passions or teaching themselves new skills, and some are maybe drinking a gin & tonic too many while they write  (that would be me).

A gorgeous ED nurse I love and respect told me she feels like an extra in a crappy, disaster movie and hasn't been told the script.

That pretty much sums it up!

I read a quote lately too that sat well with me. It went something like this:

'Maybe the Universe has sent us all to our rooms to have a think about life for a while.'

Maybe it has!

Let's hope and pray our undesirable, global separateness annihilates this despicable Corona virus so we can stride into a 'revised, healthy, environmentally friendly, kinder world' normality.

My comforting Little Mate ...

Today was the first time in a while I actually felt I achieved something by spending the whole day at home on the farm. The last seven months are a blur of diverse, frenzied, family issues and logistics I altruistically, clumsily fumbled my way through.

Consequently my own life agenda piled up and fell by the wayside, waiting impatiently for my attention.

Now at the end of my working day, I'm worn out, bruised and smelly with bits of leaves and twigs protruding from my tied up hair. Burst blisters are hurting my tired hands, but nevertheless, it feels good! I'm enjoying the sense of achievement.

This was once my norm, especially during the early years of our country/sea change. I'd be in solitude most days with beautiful, earth-colored, multicultural cattle curiously supervising my work, while following me around the farm.

During that tranquil time I absorbed the serenity of nature like a sponge. It was grounding and put everything I valued into it's rightful perspective. It also highlighted elements of my life where I chose to waste my energy. During the silence of the days I learned to decipher that which I needed to let go.

Today seemed no different. Welcomed hours of solitude to grit my teeth into pending work, embraced by fresh air and the scent of our native land.

However, today 'was' different.

It felt different.

Knowing the whole world was presently self-isolating as best it could, in this somewhat surreal, challenging time, felt eerie. I noticed even the customary symphonic voice of nature was quieter than usual.

Not only was I on my own, but I literally felt 'alone' for the first time since I can remember. I seemed the only human alive.

A little unsettled, I commenced my last project for the afternoon of sawing back a high, thick bush line. I knew I wouldn't finish, but if I knocked over a decent chunk before nightfall, I'd feel content.

I'd cut a length of about ten metres when I reached the first Gum tree. We have two, quite sparse gums nestled among the bushy windbreak. Looking up, there within the rugged flora, I noticed a fluffy round, grey and white ball.

Curiously gazing more closely, I saw sharp, strong claws tightly gripping a branch and I realised, much to my delight, the fluffy ball was the backside of a koala. He was sound asleep, hugging the limb and completely undisturbed by my noise; content in deep slumber.

The scene made me smile.

I wasn't alone at all!

Who was I kidding?

I began to speak to my little friend and apologized for the racket my saw was creating, not to mention the branches pounding to the ground.

But he didn't mind. In fact, he ignored my voice and seemed completely oblivious to my presence.

I watched him gently swaying on his flimsy branch among the busyness of the bush, unperturbed by his surroundings, comfortable and at peace.

I too felt a sense of calm wash over me. This little guy wasn't worried about the effect the Corona virus could bestow upon the world. He lived mindfully in the moment, appreciating the joy his experience gifted.

I giggled to myself. He was role-modelling an excellent example of self isolation though!

I continued to admire the sleeping koala for a while and insightful thoughts, maybe messages, came to mind. My new friend seemed to dissolve all my feelings of uneasiness.

Relax, breathe and go with the flow, while doing the best I can to support the decrease of this viral contagion.

Rest. Allow for quality sleep to support my immune system.

Add more greens to my diet toward optimal health and vitality.

Don't overthink crazy thoughts. Keep my emotions contained or they'll screw with my head.

But most importantly I sensed this gorgeous ball of fluff let me know I was 'never' alone, and all is well ... and will remain so.

Baking With A Difference ...

Last week I reached the end of my tether. The constant cyclonic South Gippsland wind forcefully shoved me around the farm as if I were a rag doll. I was feeling scattered and annoyed and I'd had enough. This day I hurriedly tended to my necessary chores and decided I would spend the afternoon inside our cosy four walls, hoping no farm emergencies would rear their ugly heads from left field. I would bake a cake.

As I began diligently and happily gathering ingredients from within my much-loved kitchen, I turned on the television to enjoy some background company. My mischievous fluff balls were asleep and all was quiet as I attempted a new recipe to surprise a dear friend on her birthday. An American movie had just commenced, starring Richard Dreyfuss. It was named, 'Mr. Holland's Opus' and by the appearance of the film and cast, it wore some age.

Initially concentrating on my cake, I began watching the unfolding story through my peripheral vision. Soon I was taking intermittent pauses, then baked mostly during advert breaks. This movie touched the sensitivity of my core. I was mesmerised and in tears numerous times. The tale was beautiful, inspiring, heart-warming and gut-wrenching. It spoke to my soul in meaningful symbols, I'm sure urging it to awaken and remember.

The lovely expressed narrative told of a young, passionate musician, who reluctantly accepted a high school teaching position to support his family. Sadly his only child was born deaf and needed expensive, health and educational services to be given the chance to achieve the highest possible quality of life. This left minimal, personal time for the talented musician to realise his dream of completing a symphony composition; a desire he had craved since his early teenage years.

Commencing his new appointment, the teacher's students were initially uninterested and bored with his knowledgeable, but mechanical and bland curriculum. Feeling disheartened, his supportive wife suggested her husband soul-search his own passionate motivation towards his infinite love for music. This act proved life changing and he excitedly began teaching his powerful insights to his students, urging them to learn, sing and play their chosen instruments inspired by the substance of their honest and raw, wise hearts.

This enlightenment had a major impact on the pupils and, with guidance and role-modelling, filtered through to all channels of their lives. Over the years, many thrived when hope was lost. Many ventured into successful, fulfilling careers. Some became famous and some sadly succumbed to war. Mutual respect and admiration was the seed and guiding force of the student/teacher relationship and lives changed for the better. Pupils were taught to strive to be the best versions of themselves they could possibly be, while the film simultaneously portrayed the teacher, in his husband and father roles, struggle through his own personal issues and challenges - all the while chipping spasmodically away at his aspiring symphony when precious time allowed.

Three decades on, the admired music teacher was forced into retirement through mandatory, government, school cutbacks. The final decision was announced all creative art subjects would become obsolete. A heroic battle against red tape was fought by the frustrated, devastated teacher to sadly no avail.

I watched the sentimental tutor pack up his beloved teaching room and meet his wife and adult son in the corridor. Together they sombrely proceeded towards the main entrance of the building one final time. Suddenly musical notes were heard loud and clear sounding from the nearby auditorium. Surprised, the teacher turned and headed towards the beckoning door, and upon opening, was greeted by a crowded hall filled with former and present clapping students; some he hadn't laid eyes on in years.

One particular pupil, now a successful senator, stood on stage equipped to broadcast to the enthusiastic crowd. She was once a young, shy teenager, trying desperately to embrace the clarinet. Each of her family members thrived with musical talents, yet no matter how much she willingly practised, she failed to improve - until she met Mr. Holland.

This lovely, confident woman spoke well and addressed the audience by reminding them their beloved mentor had an unfulfilled dream of publishing his own, unique symphony. She continued by asking Mr. Holland to look around the room and to realise and acknowledge, although he may not yet have completed his dream, the absolute difference he made to each and every soul in the auditorium, and with that, the thunderous applause was deafening.

Mr. Holland was completely overwhelmed with emotion and if that didn't floor him, the stage curtain suddenly drew open to display a spectacular sight. Two scholars from each year he taught assembled to form an orchestra. Every instrument you could think of was cradled by beaming pupils, all ready to emit heartfelt, rehearsed chords.

The senator endearingly offered the speechless Mr. Holland a baton and asked him if he would be kind enough to conduct the eager instrumentalists as they played 'his' symphony. In disbelief and before he could answer, the senator gave him a kiss on the cheek, took her place on stage and picked up her clarinet. The brilliant movie ended as the orchestra sounded like a band of angels, conducted by the experienced hand of an overwhelmed Mr. Holland, who glowed proudly, blissfully and teary-eyed…

My heart overflowed with happiness for this man. The tears streamed down my face as I 'felt' him. For goodness sake, this was a movie and here I was completely engrossed in the moment as if I was living it ... and why was I really crying? Was it because I was so overjoyed for this man, or was I subconsciously envious of him? Was I in tears because I questioned whether I had accomplished something meaningful and worthy in my life, or had I missed my boat completely?! Had I realised my dreams? What are my dreams? Did they become buried under the busyness of life? Are they dormant, waiting patiently (or impatiently), like a genie in a bottle ready to be released to rejoice freedom? These questions are presently playing starring roles within my internal screenplay, while I go about my daily norm. The thoughts swirling around in my mind have made life suddenly more intriguing and colorful.

The lessons and insights this particular movie promoted are invaluable reminders for us all, for example, sometimes we may feel we've failed to follow our desired path, but perhaps the path we're on is our true path! Or never underestimate the ripple effects of our actions, even if we believe they're insignificant. They could make a world of difference to the recipient, unbeknown to us. We benefit by listening to and acting from our wise hearts, as it's our truth. Hold onto dreams not yet realised. When the time is right, blossoming opportunities may present when we least expect it. Choose wisely, as every action creates a reaction with either a pleasing or a bitter-tasting consequence, and lastly, most importantly, love is everything.

This man's story impacted me greatly by stirring my essence in a powerful way, inspiring abundant food for thought. Raising deep emotions within, I did not stop thinking about this film for two consecutive days. I'm excited to see if and how I creatively infuse this remembered awareness into my humble existence. Surely there is a reason I happened to be in the right place at the right time to catch this movie, which touched my soul so significantly. I was also happily relieved my prolonged cake turned out delicious and appreciated, as I'm not known for my cooking skills. The profound reminders I absorbed during my escape from the wind must have subconsciously motivated heartfelt baking, proving the teacher's theory authentic. The real challenge now is to keep this feeling alive and within the forefront of mind and heartl ...

Chocolate, My Happy Place

Just the mention of the endearing word 'chocolate' sneaks an impulsive grin to my face as I happily reminisce of the many wonderful moments this sweet gold and I have shared over my lifetime.

Not only have all sorts of delicious variations of chocolate added to the joy of my birthdays, Christmases, Easters and other significant celebrations over many years, but it has been my truest, most trustworthy companion and continues to be so.

I adore chocolate of any description. It's comforted me through confusing and difficult challenges. It's assisted greatly with decision making processes, and it's proven to be a nice, little reward at the end of a hard-working day, providing a few moments of pleasurable 'me time'.

This divine, melting sweetness offers immediate energy when afternoon slumps arrive and it somehow makes movies so much more enjoyable to watch, while slouched on the couch in the evenings as productive days draw to a close. The most amazing surprise is when I find hidden chocolate in my home I don't remember stashing. That block tastes extra good!

My body instantly recognises the familiar, sugary, heavenly sensations through aroma, texture and taste, as the chocolate melts and slowly seeps soothingly into my body, meandering through my entire being to gift me with instant joyful, warm gratification – emotional and physical bliss!

Yes, it's fair to say, chocolate of any kind has always and will always make my world a beautiful place ...

A Heartfelt, Timely Gift ...

 One of my dearest girl-friends, Catherine, and her beautiful family surprised me with Willow Tree's 'Love My Cat' for my birthday this year. Catherine always manages to find the most timely, gorgeous presents and it shouldn't surprise me. We live a few hours drive apart and only tend to catch up a couple of times a year, however we are so in tune with each other, it's amazing. When we do meet we pick up right where we left off last. I love Catherine dearly.

Anyway, I had been thinking a lot recently about our divine, ginger cat, Oscar, who passed away five years ago from complications around Cat Aids. I treasured him so and miss the special bond we shared. Still to this day, tears instantly flow when I think of that dreadful, heartbreaking day I had to let him go. Even as I write this, I am crying. I just adored Oscar and continue to do so. He will forever remain in my heart.

So, of course, when I unwrapped my lovely birthday present from Cath, it was just perfect … and I cried – again! Not only is the Willow Tree's Love My Cat special because of my Oscar, but since he departed, two more fluff balls have found a new mum in me, both needing a good home. I guess I'm what you call a crazy cat lady. I love all animals, but cats are my absolute precious favorites. 

I love my gift ...

my gift ,,,.