Glen's Visitations...

Last week's post told the story of Glen and our mutual, unspoken feelings we held for each other, before he suddenly passed away, without any warning. I had just admitted to myself I was in love with him, and would tell him so next we met. Sadly, in this physical life, I was never given the chance to do so.

During our seventeen month friendship, Glen and I discussed many and varied, interesting topics, one of which was life after death. I explained how I was a spiritualist and believed in reincarnation, while although Glen had an open mind, he wasn't completely convinced. We made a pact, that whoever leaves this earth first (God forbid), would return to prove to the other there is no death as we understand it – if this is so.
 

Well......proof appeared - thick and fast!

Once the shock subsided a little, and before Glen's funeral a week later, I could feel his energy with me every second of the day. It felt so frustrating and debilitating and caused my grief to deepen, knowing he was with me, however I couldn't clearly communicate with him, couldn't touch him.....at the same time I selfishly felt comfort and relief knowing he was near.
 

As Glen was attempting his best to reach me through the veil that separated us, I decided I needed to try and meet him half way. Hastily, I remembered and rang a lovely psychic/medium, whom I had once visited a very long time ago, to make an appointment as soon as she could fit me in. Actually, I believe Glen reminded me of her! Leanne heard the urgency in my voice and thankfully had a cancellation within a couple of days. Those couple of days felt like forever!
 

As soon as I arrived, Leanne met me at the door and asked whether a man I knew had just recently passed over? She continued to explain he had been with her all morning, waiting impatiently for me to arrive. Well, that brought me to tears (again) and was the beginning of a heart-breaking and joyful reunion.
 

Through Leanne's mediumistic abilities, Glen explained how he had choked. One minute he was alive and furiously trying to gasp for air, the next he had no idea what was happening. After a while (however long a while was) he realised he was not in his body....but he was still who he was – 'If that makes any sense', he said. He continued to impress upon Leanne, through feelings, words and pictures, that he was so angry and frustrated that he had obviously moved on from life as he knew it. So much was left undone and unspoken between us and he was looking forward to where our journey would lead..... as he had intended to marry me. I was completely devastated at this point.

(I should state, when I arrived for my appointment, Leanne had no idea who Glen was or what he meant to me).
 

There was much more Glen disclosed that Leanne couldn't have known and although I already believed we returned to our spiritual home when we departed this physical plain, if I still had the minutest doubt, it completely vanished that day.
 

So I, although satisfied Glen was alive and well in Spirit, silently continued to deeply mourn. I would wear a smile during work hours, then return to my two bedroom unit at the time, and think about Glen, trying to make sense of the sudden, tragic situation that had occurred. I would sit for hours and weeks on end pondering over what I could or should have done to possibly prevent this nightmare. I attempted to get my head around my spiritual beliefs, trying to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. Everything makes sense until emotions are thrown into the equation. Then suddenly it's a whole new other dimension that can send one spiralling out of control. 　
 

It took me a long time to accept and acknowledge what had happened to Glen. Once again, through Leanne, he actually told me he had to leave, as I needed to walk a different road. That made me feel even worse emotionally! Was it my fault? Did I manifest his passing? Was my decision to want to be with him, the reason he was dismissed from his physicality? I was a mess. However, regardless of the whys and what ifs, Glen had departed from this earth and I needed to find a way to come to terms with it.
 

There were so many surprising, wonderful signs sent my way from Glen. Some made me laugh, some made me cry. I do not remember them all, as it has been fifteen and a half years since his passing, however a few stand out that are forever etched into my memory and heart.
 

I distinctly remember, for months after Glen's physical death, every night I went to bed, his personal scent would waft past me, then continue to linger. I always knew he was there and when I finally began dozing off to sleep, I would often feel him stroking my cheek or hair. I guess he was comforting me and attempting to ease my grief. It must be extremely difficult and heart breaking for a soul, who has passed over, to watch a loved one in so much pain, especially when communication is impossible. At least I knew in my heart Glen was fit and well, as opposed to the belief of 'dead, buried and gone forever', although, I must admit, the pain was still unbearable at times. His passing was just so unforeseeable.
 

One Friday afternoon I had finished work (social work). I didn't feel like going home to my quiet unit, yet I didn't feel like socialising either, due to having patiently listened to peoples' problems all day long. I missed Glen so much at the time and felt like I was going crazy. I decided to stop by a shopping centre on my way home. I would be alone, yet with the silent company of bustling Friday night shoppers.
 

I walked around a while, then decided perhaps I could buy myself a little something to cheer up. What though? I continued strolling around, in my own little world, and came across a music shop. Perfect! I would buy a CD of an artist I had always admired, but which I had never before purchased. Which artist though? Then, I believe, Glen reminded me by placing the thought into my mind, I had always loved the voice of Wendy Matthews. Perfect again! I had never owned her CD, and searching through the many on offer, I (or Glen) chose Wendy's Greatest Hits. Can't go wrong with that one!
 

Happy with my purchase, I drove home, planning to savour a glass of matured, red wine, while listening to my new distraction..... and that is exactly what I did. I poured a glass of red, placed my new CD in my mini stereo, sat down in my cosy kitchen haven and continued my ritual of reminiscing about Glen and trying to make sense of  'this life', whilst listening to the beautiful voice of Wendy Matthews.
 

What happened next, completely stopped me in my tracks and covered my whole being in goose bumps. I could not believe what I was hearing! I was solemnly thinking about Glen and how I was missing him, when a song on the CD began to play, that I had never heard before.

The song is called 'Beloved' and these are the words that sang through my stereo speakers..... 

 

Here I am
I'm right here
Oh I wish you could feel me
Standing so close
I'm right beside you dear.
I fly round this old man house,
I float through the walls
I scream and I call
While I watch you without me.

All I feel,
All I am now
Is this love I have for you.
Each night it's you, you I lay beside
I close my eyes, never to sleep
I tell you all the things I should have said
That you'll never know.
How could I act such a part,
As to love the one who breaks my heart?
I had to go....So put your hands here round my waist,
Though you cannot feel my touch dear
And dance with me as you did before.
I'm bound forever to this house

I can never go beyond that door
I dance alone

So when you think of me smile
It's the only way that I can see
That you still care for me
(close my eyes never to sleep)
Here I am I'm right here
How I wish you could see me dear
O my dear...
 

I completely froze upon hearing and feeling the lyrics echoing through my entire being...and I knew Glen was there, standing beside me. He had, through the CD, found a way to communicate to me what he was feeling. It was simply amazing.....and of course prompted more sad tears amongst the joy.
 

I felt Glen with me for months, and I was starting to worry that my grief may be keeping him from moving on – wherever one moves on to. I didn't want to be the reason for his non-progression. I would (painfully) say to him that it's ok to leave. I would be fine and, as I believe love is all there is anyway, our bond could not and would not be broken. Our love will never subside. Eventually I sensed Glen did move on and I have been told (again by a medium), he is now assisting souls, who cross over as suddenly as he did, comforting them and explaining, in their shocked state, what is taking place. Whether this is true?!
 

I remember a few months after Glen's passing, I was driving a client to an appointment. She was a gorgeous, young woman, who also claimed to have psychic/mediumistic abilities. Through our general conversation about love, life and marriage, she suddenly said a man in spirit was speaking to her wanting to give me a message. After some probing with appropriate questions, I realised it was definitely Glen, whom this young woman did not know. His message was that the man I was going to one day marry, is someone I already know! This did not make sense to me at the time, however it proved to be true. I did marry Anthony, whom I had dated for six months or so in 1995. We parted ways, he married, he separated, we met up again, built a life together and married twelve years later!
 

Life is crazy, isn't it? You just never know what tomorrow brings!

The moral of this story is, 'there is life after life'.
 

Glen is still very much a part of my life, although isn't with me as often as he once was. I continue to light a candle on his birthday and Valentine's Day, which is also my mother and father's wedding anniversary. My father passed away two years after Glen, and regardless of my spiritual views, had I not experienced the proof, which Glen's passing showed me, I probably would have been locked up in a psychiatric ward at that time!

I know in my heart I will meet Glen again in Spirit, when it's my time to cross over, and really, he's only a thought away. In fact while I have written these two blogs, Glen has been assisting, offering particular words and throwing me memories. I must admit, many sleeping, bitter, sweet emotions have surfaced once again.

Every time I see Glen through my mind's eye since writing these pieces, he wears a huge smile. I know he is thrilled I have voiced his (our) story, however I believe he is more pleased that I have finally found a release through a creative channel, instead of holding my thoughts inside after all these years. I don't really talk about this precious chapter of my life, although ironically, now I am voicing it to the world! It hasn't been easy to pen these words, however I'm happy I have achieved it..... and it's my way of paying tribute to a special soul, who will always lovingly remain in my heart – until we meet again.

 

 

The Day You Went Away...

I remember sitting in my hot car, parked in the corner of the beach car park, and all I could hear was the beautiful, soulful voice of Wendy Matthews, singing her song, 'The Day You Went Away', as it played from my car radio. It was a steamy, mid morning on Valentines Day in the year 2000. The sky was cloudless and couldn't have been any bluer. It was the most amazing summer's day. The world stopped for what seemed like forever, as I sat in shock, attempting to digest the news. I had only returned to my car after realising I had forgotten my mobile phone, therefore had missed the devastating phone call, which would shatter my world.    

 

It was October, 1998, when Glen and I were first introduced by a mutual friend. Although he made quite an impression, I had promised myself I would take things extremely slowly the next time I met someone, whom I could possibly see myself in a relationship with. I had a history of heartache, especially after living overseas. Immigration issues forced me to make the difficult choice between my then relationship in Europe and my home, Australia. I chose to come home. So I decided in future, I would give myself plenty of time to nurture and grow a friendship prior to becoming involved. I wanted to be sure. As sure as one can be anyway.
 

Glen and I hit if off immediately and we caught up often, either for dinner, or coffees, or we particularly enjoyed spending time at the beach, relaxed and engrossed in deep conversation. I could never wait to see him again and my heart would happily race at the thought. Glen knew my stance and never once pressured me to move forward with our solid, meaningful friendship, instead waited for the first move to be initiated by my timing. However the loving and trusting energy, which embraced us, made it clear to each other how we both felt. We just hadn't voiced it, waiting for the right time. My right time.
 

It was the evening before Valentine's Day and a girlfriend from Germany was presently residing with me for a couple of months. I had taken a week's leave from work to drive her down to explore South Gippsland for some sight-seeing the following day. So after making sure she wouldn't mind, I rang Glen suggesting the two of us meet up for a pre-Valentine's Day dinner, as I wouldn't be able to catch up with him for a week or so. I was secretly bursting at the seams to see him!
 

We enjoyed a beautiful meal with good conversation and much laughter and as I drove home that night, I decided I needed to let go of my fear of being hurt and take the plunge. I was so in love with Glen and I swore to myself next time I see him, I would tell him so. Secretly I was sure I was going to marry this wonderful man.
 

The following day my girlfriend and I headed off bright and early. It was such a beautiful day, we decided to spend the morning basking in the sun on a picturesque, isolated beach we had found in our travels. We settled, laying our near naked bodies down under the golden rays, lapping up each holiday moment. I was so happy. I had my gorgeous best friend from overseas with me, last night's loving memory continued to play around in my head, and I was excited about seeing Glen again and baring my soul. How could I not be blissfully happy?
 

It then suddenly dawned on me, I had left my mobile phone in the car! I wasn't comfortable with the thought of it cooking in the car heat, so I decided to walk back to fetch it. I opened the car door, grabbed the phone from the console and noticed I had missed a call. I sat down in the driver's seat, left the car door open due to the stifling heat, placed the key in the ignition, turned on the radio and proceeded to ring my message bank. I listened to the message.... then I listened again... and then again, trying to make sense of the words I was hearing. An acquaintance had rung me, who I didn't even know had my number, to express her condolences and deepest sympathy to hear Glen had passed away. Glen had passed away?! What did she mean? I only saw him last night! And why was she ringing me?

It was true. Glen had been found deceased at home early that morning. He was thirty-seven years old.

It was the most glorious summer's day. The sky was cloudless and couldn't have been any bluer. While Wendy Matthews continued to sing her beautiful song, nothing made sense.....the world made no sense.....

 

(A tribute to Glen, who will always own a piece of my heart)

 

 

 

Glen and I made a pact, that whoever leaves this earth first (God forbid), will return to the other to prove there is, after all, life after death – if this is so.

In my next blog I will explain how the signs appeared thick and fast....

 

We Are Never Alone...

As far as I can remember I have been open to spiritual phenomena. I always 'knew' there was more to this physical life than meets the eye, and my curiosity and interest enables me to regularly notice (what I believe to be) significant, spiritual signs. These signs appear through various channels and are sometimes extremely prominent or minutely subtle.

To give you an idea, I will often silently, and fleetingly, ponder over a question, only to read a sentence in an article or listen to part of a radio interview a few days later, through which my question is suddenly answered, much to my delight.

Or not long ago I was outside in the garden, thinking about a deceased loved one. Suddenly, a butterfly appeared, fluttered around me and then proceeded to land on my arm. It actually happily stayed for a minute or so before moving on. This occurrence is unique and I'm sure this was a sign from Spirit, sent from the person I was lovingly thinking about. 

There are many other examples such as, randomly chatting with someone, who during the conversation, happens to tell me the exact advice or message I need to hear at that moment – unbeknown to them. Or often when I am completing my farm chores, a single feather will fall from above me and land right at my feet.

Sometimes when I am on my way to the supermarket, knowing it's a busy time of day, I silently ask Spirit if there might be a spare car park in the first aisle waiting for me to drive into when I arrive. I feel a little selfish asking this however, without a word of a lie, upon my request, there is always either a car space waiting just for me, or someone is reversing out of a car park as I reach them, in time for me to easily take their place.

When my beautiful cat, Oscar, passed away and I was silently, deeply grieving, I walked into a shop to purchase a birthday card for a friend. While reading through numerous to find the most appropriate, I stumbled across a beautiful card with a lonesome, black cat pictured sitting in front of an old, empty building. On the front were the words, 'Even when we are alone', and when I opened to view the middle of the card, the following words jumped out and gave me goose bumps – 'Those we love will always be beside us'. I have no doubt this was a consoling message from Spirit, and needless to say, I bought the card, which now has a special place in my home....and still to this day prompts happy tears....

I truly believe we are never alone. Even if we are physically on our own and especially when we are struggling with an issue or concern, causing us to feel lost, sad, angry amongst other emotions, we are definitely not alone. There is so much spiritual help around us, and I believe Spirit hears our every thought. So even if we are not outwardly voicing the complete truth, Spirit reads our minds and knows our exact stance.

I also believe when we are celebrating a significant event such as, a wedding, a birthday, an anniversary or the birth of a child etc., Spirit is also there celebrating with us and blanketing the affair with love and light, happy to see us enjoying ourselves.

 

So talk to your spirit guides, who are always available. Talk to your deceased grandmother, whom you loved so much, or your best friend, who always stood by you. Even your deceased pets pop in and out. Whether you talk out loud (which in itself is very therapeutic) or silently, start the conversation and bare your soul of your fears, concerns, problematic issues etc. You will be heard. Then watch and listen mindfully for healing, guiding signs that come your way. Rest assured they will..... : )

 

 

Always Put Your Best Foot Forward...

Wow, what an amazing week I have experienced!

 

An ABC Open Producer from Gippsland, Victoria phoned me this week asking if one of my stories could possibly be featured on their radio station, to be aired Monday morning. I was pleased and very grateful, to say the least!

 

Again, I have been reassured of my beliefs....

Once I made the definite decision to follow my heart and commit myself to creative writing a few months ago, I have experienced so much joy and growth, with opportunities and new ideas surfacing at a fast pace. I ceased contemplating and making one excuse after the other, to finally follow my gut feeling. No more clumsily fluffing around!

Since I have dived into writing, I have found myself having a spring in my step. The reason being, I am pursuing what makes my heart sing. This is what life is all about! I love making time (when I can) to sit down with the laptop, either inside in the warmth looking out on a winter's day or outside in the beautiful sunshine with nature's orchestral performance in the background, while my furry companion, Ginge (my young cat) sits by my side, contently curled up, (although sometimes he likes to add his input too, as he occasionally, playfully strolls across the keyboard).

It's so easy to jump in and give your all to an activity, when it is pure enjoyment. Time passes so quickly, yet you find yourself in your own centred world, completely engrossed and basking in each moment as it happens. You portray a lightness about you. A blissful lightness. One that opens you up to receiving endless, often wonderfully surprising, possibilities and opportunities – without any effort on your part except to notice them. This is what I am experiencing presently, and it's such a fantastic feeling. Rewards come when I purposely give my very best (so easy to achieve when I'm loving what I do), and then I let go, without expectations. I trust that life will meet me half way and the right doors will open.......and they always do! I have tested this theory time and time again and it never fails.

However it's not just activities that are enjoyable. For example, you may be employed in a position you dislike where you struggle to get out of bed and front up each day to take on your '​dreaded​' responsibilities. If you arrive dragging your feet and wishing the hours away until the end of the working day, while wingeing and moaning under your breath (or worse still to your colleagues), you do, under no circumstances, have a 'lightness' about you – and you will block the doors around you from opening. In fact, your job will continue to worsen, due to your own thoughts.

If you change your energy and tackle this work with the attitude that you will attempt to do your best to complete what's required of you (and maybe even a little extra) while you are employed in your unsuitable position, and you keep your ears and eyes open for a new employment opportunity during the process (with patience), I guarantee you, the appropriate doors will be much more visible when the time is right than you dragging your feet.

It makes no difference whether you clean toilets for a living or you are the director of a multi million dollar company. It's not what you do, it's how you do it! A positive, uplifting attitude will see you grow and blossom, while a negative attitude will keep you stuck and ungrounded.

This is something I have experienced myself in the past....and feeling stuck and ungrounded is definitely not something I enjoy!　

So, back to the beginning....

Since I commenced writing (and dare I say, bravely followed my heart), I initially researched and found a website, which invites guest writers to contribute. This was the beginning of my journey to put myself out there and introduce my (newly found) creativity to the outside world.

Then I let go and allowed 'life's dominoes' to take their course. Approximately one month later, I excitedly happened to meet a girlfriend I had not seen in years, who mentioned the ABC Open website in conversation, stating contributors are encouraged to write about the interesting, monthly topics offered. This too I explored and three of my pieces were published and two were featured on the ABC Open radio station, much to my delight.

One of those pieces was extremely dear to my heart, as I wrote about our beautiful cat, Oscar, who had been euthanized, due to suffering secondary illness after being diagnosed with Cat Aids. Not only did ABC Open assist me to spread FIV awareness to a greater audience, I also wrote a booklet about FIV, which Oscar's vet now stocks to spread awareness and education. This project was very meaningful, took a lot of work to complete and gave me a bitter sweet sense of achievement (not to mention it was extremely therapeutic to write).

I then happened to bump into the manager of a local community centre, who encouraged me to contribute to their monthly newsletter. So far two of my pieces have been published.

...and it was only today, while I was in our little town's general store, a lovely lady told me about yet another radio station that welcomes stories to be aired on the radio.....and so it goes on. A new door opens regularly, without any force. I concentrate on putting my best foot forward and life complies....It's truly amazing.

So, whatever it is you are involved in, whether it sits well with you or not, always do your best. Time does not stand still and is ever evolving, meaning if you are experiencing discontentment, it will pass. I've always found it amazing to think that each moment will never be again! Stand tall and own your personal power, keeping positive and aware of opportunities that present themselves. If you have dug yourself into an emotional hole, you will miss them. Worse still, you will not have enough faith in yourself to follow them through.

Explore what makes your heart sing and go for it. It may mean you need to complete a course, or improve your time management to fit your desired activity into your lifestyle, or any other changes that may present, but do it. Life is short, so don't waste a second. You are more than capable of making your dreams come true. I'm behind you all the way : )

 

 

　

P.S Do yourself a favor if you love to write. Google ABC Open Projects. It's a wonderful site and Australia wide. Who knows where it may lead!