Glen's Visitations...

Last week's post told the story of Glen and our mutual, unspoken feelings we held for each other, before he suddenly passed away, without any warning. I had just admitted to myself I was in love with him, and would tell him so next we met. Sadly, in this physical life, I was never given the chance to do so.

During our seventeen month friendship, Glen and I discussed many and varied, interesting topics, one of which was life after death. I explained how I was a spiritualist and believed in reincarnation, while although Glen had an open mind, he wasn't completely convinced. We made a pact, that whoever leaves this earth first (God forbid), would return to prove to the other there is no death as we understand it – if this is so.
 

Well......proof appeared - thick and fast!

Once the shock subsided a little, and before Glen's funeral a week later, I could feel his energy with me every second of the day. It felt so frustrating and debilitating and caused my grief to deepen, knowing he was with me, however I couldn't clearly communicate with him, couldn't touch him.....at the same time I selfishly felt comfort and relief knowing he was near.
 

As Glen was attempting his best to reach me through the veil that separated us, I decided I needed to try and meet him half way. Hastily, I remembered and rang a lovely psychic/medium, whom I had once visited a very long time ago, to make an appointment as soon as she could fit me in. Actually, I believe Glen reminded me of her! Leanne heard the urgency in my voice and thankfully had a cancellation within a couple of days. Those couple of days felt like forever!
 

As soon as I arrived, Leanne met me at the door and asked whether a man I knew had just recently passed over? She continued to explain he had been with her all morning, waiting impatiently for me to arrive. Well, that brought me to tears (again) and was the beginning of a heart-breaking and joyful reunion.
 

Through Leanne's mediumistic abilities, Glen explained how he had choked. One minute he was alive and furiously trying to gasp for air, the next he had no idea what was happening. After a while (however long a while was) he realised he was not in his body....but he was still who he was – 'If that makes any sense', he said. He continued to impress upon Leanne, through feelings, words and pictures, that he was so angry and frustrated that he had obviously moved on from life as he knew it. So much was left undone and unspoken between us and he was looking forward to where our journey would lead..... as he had intended to marry me. I was completely devastated at this point.

(I should state, when I arrived for my appointment, Leanne had no idea who Glen was or what he meant to me).
 

There was much more Glen disclosed that Leanne couldn't have known and although I already believed we returned to our spiritual home when we departed this physical plain, if I still had the minutest doubt, it completely vanished that day.
 

So I, although satisfied Glen was alive and well in Spirit, silently continued to deeply mourn. I would wear a smile during work hours, then return to my two bedroom unit at the time, and think about Glen, trying to make sense of the sudden, tragic situation that had occurred. I would sit for hours and weeks on end pondering over what I could or should have done to possibly prevent this nightmare. I attempted to get my head around my spiritual beliefs, trying to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. Everything makes sense until emotions are thrown into the equation. Then suddenly it's a whole new other dimension that can send one spiralling out of control. 　
 

It took me a long time to accept and acknowledge what had happened to Glen. Once again, through Leanne, he actually told me he had to leave, as I needed to walk a different road. That made me feel even worse emotionally! Was it my fault? Did I manifest his passing? Was my decision to want to be with him, the reason he was dismissed from his physicality? I was a mess. However, regardless of the whys and what ifs, Glen had departed from this earth and I needed to find a way to come to terms with it.
 

There were so many surprising, wonderful signs sent my way from Glen. Some made me laugh, some made me cry. I do not remember them all, as it has been fifteen and a half years since his passing, however a few stand out that are forever etched into my memory and heart.
 

I distinctly remember, for months after Glen's physical death, every night I went to bed, his personal scent would waft past me, then continue to linger. I always knew he was there and when I finally began dozing off to sleep, I would often feel him stroking my cheek or hair. I guess he was comforting me and attempting to ease my grief. It must be extremely difficult and heart breaking for a soul, who has passed over, to watch a loved one in so much pain, especially when communication is impossible. At least I knew in my heart Glen was fit and well, as opposed to the belief of 'dead, buried and gone forever', although, I must admit, the pain was still unbearable at times. His passing was just so unforeseeable.
 

One Friday afternoon I had finished work (social work). I didn't feel like going home to my quiet unit, yet I didn't feel like socialising either, due to having patiently listened to peoples' problems all day long. I missed Glen so much at the time and felt like I was going crazy. I decided to stop by a shopping centre on my way home. I would be alone, yet with the silent company of bustling Friday night shoppers.
 

I walked around a while, then decided perhaps I could buy myself a little something to cheer up. What though? I continued strolling around, in my own little world, and came across a music shop. Perfect! I would buy a CD of an artist I had always admired, but which I had never before purchased. Which artist though? Then, I believe, Glen reminded me by placing the thought into my mind, I had always loved the voice of Wendy Matthews. Perfect again! I had never owned her CD, and searching through the many on offer, I (or Glen) chose Wendy's Greatest Hits. Can't go wrong with that one!
 

Happy with my purchase, I drove home, planning to savour a glass of matured, red wine, while listening to my new distraction..... and that is exactly what I did. I poured a glass of red, placed my new CD in my mini stereo, sat down in my cosy kitchen haven and continued my ritual of reminiscing about Glen and trying to make sense of  'this life', whilst listening to the beautiful voice of Wendy Matthews.
 

What happened next, completely stopped me in my tracks and covered my whole being in goose bumps. I could not believe what I was hearing! I was solemnly thinking about Glen and how I was missing him, when a song on the CD began to play, that I had never heard before.

The song is called 'Beloved' and these are the words that sang through my stereo speakers..... 

 

Here I am
I'm right here
Oh I wish you could feel me
Standing so close
I'm right beside you dear.
I fly round this old man house,
I float through the walls
I scream and I call
While I watch you without me.

All I feel,
All I am now
Is this love I have for you.
Each night it's you, you I lay beside
I close my eyes, never to sleep
I tell you all the things I should have said
That you'll never know.
How could I act such a part,
As to love the one who breaks my heart?
I had to go....So put your hands here round my waist,
Though you cannot feel my touch dear
And dance with me as you did before.
I'm bound forever to this house

I can never go beyond that door
I dance alone

So when you think of me smile
It's the only way that I can see
That you still care for me
(close my eyes never to sleep)
Here I am I'm right here
How I wish you could see me dear
O my dear...
 

I completely froze upon hearing and feeling the lyrics echoing through my entire being...and I knew Glen was there, standing beside me. He had, through the CD, found a way to communicate to me what he was feeling. It was simply amazing.....and of course prompted more sad tears amongst the joy.
 

I felt Glen with me for months, and I was starting to worry that my grief may be keeping him from moving on – wherever one moves on to. I didn't want to be the reason for his non-progression. I would (painfully) say to him that it's ok to leave. I would be fine and, as I believe love is all there is anyway, our bond could not and would not be broken. Our love will never subside. Eventually I sensed Glen did move on and I have been told (again by a medium), he is now assisting souls, who cross over as suddenly as he did, comforting them and explaining, in their shocked state, what is taking place. Whether this is true?!
 

I remember a few months after Glen's passing, I was driving a client to an appointment. She was a gorgeous, young woman, who also claimed to have psychic/mediumistic abilities. Through our general conversation about love, life and marriage, she suddenly said a man in spirit was speaking to her wanting to give me a message. After some probing with appropriate questions, I realised it was definitely Glen, whom this young woman did not know. His message was that the man I was going to one day marry, is someone I already know! This did not make sense to me at the time, however it proved to be true. I did marry Anthony, whom I had dated for six months or so in 1995. We parted ways, he married, he separated, we met up again, built a life together and married twelve years later!
 

Life is crazy, isn't it? You just never know what tomorrow brings!

The moral of this story is, 'there is life after life'.
 

Glen is still very much a part of my life, although isn't with me as often as he once was. I continue to light a candle on his birthday and Valentine's Day, which is also my mother and father's wedding anniversary. My father passed away two years after Glen, and regardless of my spiritual views, had I not experienced the proof, which Glen's passing showed me, I probably would have been locked up in a psychiatric ward at that time!

I know in my heart I will meet Glen again in Spirit, when it's my time to cross over, and really, he's only a thought away. In fact while I have written these two blogs, Glen has been assisting, offering particular words and throwing me memories. I must admit, many sleeping, bitter, sweet emotions have surfaced once again.

Every time I see Glen through my mind's eye since writing these pieces, he wears a huge smile. I know he is thrilled I have voiced his (our) story, however I believe he is more pleased that I have finally found a release through a creative channel, instead of holding my thoughts inside after all these years. I don't really talk about this precious chapter of my life, although ironically, now I am voicing it to the world! It hasn't been easy to pen these words, however I'm happy I have achieved it..... and it's my way of paying tribute to a special soul, who will always lovingly remain in my heart – until we meet again.