If it wasn't for this devastating pandemic, I would feel grains of fine, soft sand massaging my toes in between delicious, cool dips in a pristine ocean; all the while being kissed by a radiant, warm, welcoming sun.
Yes, I would, as we speak, be immersing myself for two whole, glorious weeks in beautiful Bali's familiar culture and all that it has to offer ... but sadly not to be.
Under these virus circumstances, I fear this South Gippsland winter will be cold, wet and extremely long, especially without travel options. I wonder how I will cope? What plan do I need to generate into action to keep myself and consequently those around me sane?
The worries I tend to escape for a short while in Bali, have cleverly cemented themselves to my emotional brain, like barnacles hang on for dear life to submerged boat hulls.
Removing myself from my norm to soak in beloved holiday surroundings keeps my worrying thoughts at bay, napping in the background. I am nourished, revitalised and filled with strength, hope and newly formed, lingering memories to once again carry on back home.
These concerns are not mine to wear, yet inadvertently yield great power over my subconscious mind. They affect loved ones, which in turn affect me, although I am fully aware I am incapable of waving a magic wand to manifest instant, peaceful solutions.
I am only responsible and in control of my own thoughts and actions ... but most times this is easier said than done.
I frustratingly reach a point of annoyance and defeat and swear to throw in the towel, this time for good. However, the welcoming relief only lasts a day or so before the quiet niggling voice of empathy intensifies and deafens me once more.
Like a dog with its tail between its legs, I retract my steps to again attempt to motivate, persuade and eventually beg loved ones to perceive and consider situations differently; in a more positive light.
I quietly whisper to myself, "Maybe today is the day I will be truly heard and understood. Maybe today a corner will be turned."
So, how will I conquer this inevitable dreary, cold winter season to ease my worrying mind?
As I've gone about my days in recent, solemn, isolation weeks, I've consciously reviewed my life choices, trying to decipher and make sense of my motivations behind my thoughts and actions.
Suddenly, as I was sweeping out our shed of manure, I felt a subjective wake up slap and all my brain cells seemed to light up like a Christmas tree!
My motivations, all of them, are about everyone else, my precious animals included.
I am last in line!
I realised when everyone around me feels happy and content, only then do I experience desired peace of mind. However, how can everyone be happy and content all at the same time? That's unrealistically insane!
Everyone who walks this life leads their own journey. Each person is to take responsibility for themselves and must realise every action creates a reaction. It's up to us to choose the outcomes we prefer.
It's not up to me to carry detrimental issues others face, especially to the degree of causing myself ill health.
So finally, gaining this significant insight, my future path is clearly paved to change the way I fuel my intentions - if I choose to.
Knowledge is a powerful tool, but half a century of worrying for others is not easy to unlearn. I am certain my DNA consists mostly of empathy and nurture. It's engrained in my make up, stemming from my dear, late father and his ancestors.
However, if my cup is not filled, how am I equipped to reach out to others with an altruistic hand of strength, sincere empathy and compassion?
Enough is enough!
I pledge from this day I will attentively listen more closely to my intuition and heed its messages and guidance.
I will continue to generously offer support and comfort to those around me, however I will ask them to meet me halfway. I am no longer able to carry other's loads. My broad shoulders have become too bent and weary over the years to continue this trend.
I will strive to take better care of myself wholistically. I will breathe more deeply. I will from now on mindfully go about my day, ensuring I notice every exquisite reflection of natural beauty, such as listening for the vocal symphonies of visiting bird life or admiring angelic butterflies that cross my path.
These simple acts offer peace, contentment, inner strength and grounding, allowing my cup to transform into a beautiful waterfall bearing endless gifts.
I will finally claim time for me because like others, I too am deserving.
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