A Crappy Day...

Why am I feeling so emotionally crappy today?

Is it due to having received my sister-in-law's positive medical results, tainted with an underlying disappointment? My expectations have let me down. When will I learn not to have any!

Is it caused by the confusing and unpleasant conversation I had with a family member during a loud, annual social event I recently reluctantly attended? He seemed to think I had been judging him (did I miss something?) and politely told me to mind my own business. I have the greatest respect for this loved one, so this particular interaction has left me endlessly pondering and processing in an attempt to place it into justifiable perspective. Unfinished business for sure. Or maybe it's the residue of a few glasses of red wine I consumed that night? My poor body would surely be unhappily detoxing from this unusual occurrence.

Is it the horrendous winds presently blowing like there's no tomorrow, making outside work uncomfortable and difficult? Our timber home is whistling through every nook and cranny, giving my fluff balls and I a sense of unwelcome restlessness.

Perhaps, unbeknown to me, my hormones have decided to throw a party, tipping my equilibrium, just because they can… and of course, as happens every time I feel crappy, more crappiness is what I seem to manifest.

This morning I woke feeling a little unwell – sore throat, lethargic, hot, then cold and headachy. Although many people I have been in contact with of late have been ill with colds and influenzas, I know by my own track record, my immune system will only cave if I am feeling emotionally unbalanced. So I am not surprised.

I still needed to complete my morning farm chores as well as feed my beautiful animals, so a little unenthusiastically, I ventured outside to wrestle the relentless wind. I then made my way to our local shops to buy the daily paper, check our post office box and shop for salad ingredients for our local football club. There's a home game this weekend and I volunteer to make the side salads for the dinners after the games. That's my contribution as 'Mrs President'! I also picked up a take-away almond latte on my way out, which I was very much looking forward to drinking once home, not knowing, due to feeling a little off, if it would taste as delicious as usual.

Well, I arrived home to discover my passenger car seat had a weird stain underneath my shopping bag of goodies. It didn't take long to realise the sun dried tomatoes had sprung a leak. Oil, great! After I cleaned everything as best I could, I suddenly remembered my coffee! That will go down well now after a quick zap in the microwave, I thought, but no, I couldn't find it. Retracing my steps in my mind, I decided there was only one reason why my coffee had disappeared. I'd left it sitting on top of my car roof after I loaded my shopping and drove off homeward bound. Damn, how mindless of me!

What I really would have benefited from today is my soothing, rejuvenating, weekly yoga class, and although my mind and spirit were willing, my body pleaded with me not to attend. I am feeling much worse than this morning and still have afternoon farm jobs to conquer, not to mention my employment off the farm tomorrow. I'm devouring vitamin C as we speak… and I am writing because I love to do so. I frustratingly haven't found the time to put pen to paper in the last couple of weeks, and I'm feeling the consequences. My soul is longing to be fed and today I'm making the most of a little peaceful spell in the house. I may be feeling crappy, but I'm making sense of my crappiness through the written word. I was for a short while anyway. 

My husband soon arrived home limping, due to an accident at work, and can hardly walk now – joy! Looks like my intermittent, peaceful, writing spurts just became a rarity! Time to put the nurse's cap back on, and gumboots simultaneously to step up the farm work.

Thankfully I don't feel dispirited very often, and hopefully I will be able to stop this cold, or whatever it is, in its tracks with fresh air, abundant water and a good, healthy diet with some vitamins thrown in. Most importantly I will pause to take a deep breath, return to the moment and centre myself often by closing my eyes and focussing on my heart area. It works a treat and only takes a few minutes. If only I would remember to do so more often!

I know I have created this physical and emotional imbalance within myself through thoughts fuelled with not-so-pleasant emotions, and mostly hanging onto 'stuff', which doesn't serve me – or doesn't serve me any longer, to be precise. I am constantly amazed to think my thoughts create my life. I have proven this in my world often, prompting significant, welcoming awareness. This gift of awareness always leads to positive change and growth, up another rung or through another layer if I choose to listen, more importantly if I choose to act. Timing seems to be an important factor as well.

So I wish to get a grip, as I'm not enjoying feeling this way at all. I will aspire to awaken tomorrow with renewed positivity and enthusiasm, grateful for my life, grateful to be alive. Even if I am unable to pinpoint the cause of my lower mood, I will sit with it and let it pass, as it always does. I find this works best for me… and I know my physical body will follow suit with healing.