Why am I feeling so emotionally crappy today?
Is
it due to having received my sister-in-law's positive medical
results, tainted with an underlying disappointment? My expectations
have let me down. When will I learn not to have any!
Is
it caused by the confusing and unpleasant conversation I had with a
family member during a loud, annual social event I recently
reluctantly attended? He seemed to think I had been judging him (did
I miss something?) and politely told me to mind my own business. I
have the greatest respect for this loved one, so this particular
interaction has left me endlessly pondering and processing in an
attempt to place it into justifiable perspective. Unfinished business
for sure. Or maybe it's the residue of a few glasses of red wine I
consumed that night? My poor body would surely be unhappily detoxing
from this unusual occurrence.
Is
it the horrendous winds presently blowing like there's no tomorrow,
making outside work uncomfortable and difficult? Our timber home is
whistling through every nook and cranny, giving my fluff balls and I
a sense of unwelcome restlessness.
Perhaps,
unbeknown to me, my hormones have decided to throw a party, tipping
my equilibrium, just because they can… and of course, as happens
every time I feel crappy, more crappiness is what I seem to manifest.
This
morning I woke feeling a little unwell – sore throat, lethargic,
hot, then cold and headachy. Although many people I have been in
contact with of late have been ill with colds and influenzas, I know
by my own track record, my immune system will only cave if I am
feeling emotionally unbalanced. So I am not surprised.
I
still needed to complete my morning farm chores as well as feed my
beautiful animals, so a little unenthusiastically, I ventured outside
to wrestle the relentless wind. I then made my way to our local shops
to buy the daily paper, check our post office box and shop for salad
ingredients for our local football club. There's a home game this
weekend and I volunteer to make the side salads for the dinners after
the games. That's my contribution as 'Mrs President'! I also picked
up a take-away almond latte on my way out, which I was very much
looking forward to drinking once home, not knowing, due to feeling a
little off, if it would taste as delicious as usual.
Well,
I arrived home to discover my passenger car seat had a weird stain
underneath my shopping bag of goodies. It didn't take long to realise
the sun dried tomatoes had sprung a leak. Oil, great! After
I cleaned everything as best I could, I suddenly remembered my
coffee! That will go down well now after a quick zap in the
microwave, I thought, but no, I couldn't find it. Retracing my steps
in my mind, I decided there was only one reason why my coffee had
disappeared. I'd left it sitting on top of my car roof after I loaded
my shopping and drove off homeward bound. Damn, how mindless of me!
What
I really would have benefited from today is my soothing,
rejuvenating, weekly yoga class, and although my mind and spirit were
willing, my body pleaded with me not to attend. I am feeling
much worse than this morning and still have afternoon farm jobs to
conquer, not to mention my employment off the farm tomorrow. I'm
devouring vitamin C as we speak… and I am writing because I love to
do so. I frustratingly haven't found the time to put pen to paper in
the last couple of weeks, and I'm feeling the consequences. My soul
is longing to be fed and today I'm making the most of a little
peaceful spell in the house. I may be feeling crappy, but I'm making
sense of my crappiness through the written word. I
was for a short while anyway.
My husband soon arrived home limping,
due to an accident at work, and can hardly walk now – joy! Looks
like my intermittent, peaceful, writing spurts just became a rarity!
Time to put the nurse's cap back on, and gumboots simultaneously to
step up the farm work.
Thankfully
I don't feel dispirited very often, and hopefully I will be able to
stop this cold, or whatever it is, in its tracks with fresh air,
abundant water and a good, healthy diet with some vitamins thrown in.
Most importantly I will pause to take a deep breath, return to the
moment and centre myself often by closing my eyes and focussing on my
heart area. It works a treat and only takes a few minutes. If only I
would remember to do so more often!
I
know I have created this physical and emotional
imbalance within myself through thoughts fuelled with not-so-pleasant
emotions, and mostly hanging onto 'stuff', which doesn't serve me –
or doesn't serve me any longer, to be precise. I am constantly amazed
to think my thoughts create my life. I
have proven this in my world often, prompting significant, welcoming
awareness. This gift of awareness always leads to positive change and
growth, up another rung or through another layer if I choose to
listen, more importantly if I choose to act. Timing seems to be an
important factor as well.
So
I wish to get a grip, as I'm not enjoying feeling this way at all. I
will aspire to awaken tomorrow with renewed positivity and
enthusiasm, grateful for my life, grateful to be alive. Even
if I am unable to pinpoint the cause of my lower mood, I will sit
with it and let it pass, as it always does. I find this works best
for me… and I know my physical body will follow suit with healing.
