What's Going On?!

What the hell is wrong with me lately?!

I have a list of pending jobs to attack an arm's length long, but  no enthusiasm.

I fluff around dragging my sorry backside, as if it weighes a tonne,  barely completeing my necessary, farm chores.

What's going on?!

I'm usually like a bull at a gate, planning my days to overflow with productivity. I'm known as the type of person who 'Doesn't put off until tomorrow what I can do today, because I never know what tomorrow brings'.

It seems that phrase has gone straight down the gurgler ...

So why am I feeling so lethargic and unenthused presently? Is it because I am emotionally and physically exhausted?

I don't believe so.

Is it because I am subconsciously sensing the global uneasiness, anxiety and devastation this unforeseen Corona virus is provoking?

This could definitely be the case. I tend to pick up on energies easily.

Is it because I feel somewhat incarcerated within my five star prison cell?

I shouldn't be, as I'm fortunate to enjoy nearly 200, lushious acres of backyard.

Is it because social distancing and self isolation is causing  loneliness? Do I quite simply miss my friends?

Yes, of course I do.

Do I long for the freedom to shop, visit or even travel abroad to any location I wish?

 Well yes.

My planned reunion with family residing overseas in my happy place, is now postponed, thanks to this wrethched pandemic.

That certainly deflates me.

Maybe I am not pulling my finger out because I know for a fact, no one will be visiting our farm in the near future?

Mind you, I hope that's not the case! I'm not one to inspire the neighbors. I work to impress myself and my husband; for the upkeep and improvement of our property.

Are my middle-aged hormones throwing a party without warning or inviting me?

That could very well be true.                 

I don't know exactly why I'm so blasé, but I've decided, if I can, to go with the flow. Fighting my unpleasant feelings causes tremendous frustratration and annoyance. Self criticism is certainly not a helpful tool for my mental state. Continuing to beat myself up emotionally will only worsen the situation.

I'm often reminded to be more gentle with myself ... I should take heed.

I'm sure this too will pass.

Time for a cuppa 😊.

Fuck Off, Corona!

I don't know about you, but this pandemic messes with my emotions if I allow myself to go there.

I hastily visited our local, little country town this morning to collect our mail and buy a Sunday paper.

Usually my daily shop visit is my much-loved, social fix. Many of the supermarket employees and local clientele are dear friends, whom I look forward to warmly greeting each day. Lately the experience has become somber and heart-wrenching.

Because together,
But separately,
But together,
We are strong and are striving to eradicate this shitful virus.

We are all protecting each other by washing and sanitising our hands, some wearing masks and/or gloves, and isolating or adhering to the social distancing rule.

Great job, well done. We should all treat ourselves as infected to take the highest precautions possible. It's absolutely necessary. However, it's emotionally challenging to meet friends I haven't seen in a while.

Spontaneously I used to lunge in for the big bear squeeze, as I'm such a hugger!

Not anymore.

I love seeing familar faces in the local stores and neighbouring cafes. We usually mingle within our personal spaces, we catch up on previous day events, we support each other - all in a matter of precious minutes.

Now we re-enact these moments hurriedly from afar and although we continue to communicate, it's all about a quick check-in to make sure we're coping with this new normality.

I miss you.

Presently everyone wears an imaginary, emanating armor . There are walls between us like never before. For me, psychologically the distance feels far greater than the physical.

We are each an island.

As though we are each contaminated with God knows what. I especially sense this from strangers, and the way it makes me feel is not a place I like to dwell in.

On the other hand, this disturbing situation brings kindness to the forefront.

If I'm out walking and I happen to come across a fellow stroller (familiar or not), along the way, I will intentionally bid them a hearty greeting and wish them a lovely day.

Kindness doesn't hurt. It's free and brings a smile to my face, as well as the recipient's. We're all feeling the pinch and appreciate a comforting, friendly word, even from across the road.

And thank goodness for social media.

I predominantly love keeping in contact with overseas family and friends, especially during this fragile, unforeseeable time.

I enjoy playing around and joking with my Facebook friends too, but now that technology has become the main means of communication, it's not that funny anymore. It's serious and I appreciate and value it one million times more.

I am also in awe of the creativity people are coming up with during their isolation. Some are cooking up a storm, some are finding amazing, meaningful ways to celebrate special occasions. Some are indulging in their passions or teaching themselves new skills, and some are maybe drinking a gin & tonic too many while they write  (that would be me).

A gorgeous ED nurse I love and respect told me she feels like an extra in a crappy, disaster movie and hasn't been told the script.

That pretty much sums it up!

I read a quote lately too that sat well with me. It went something like this:

'Maybe the Universe has sent us all to our rooms to have a think about life for a while.'

Maybe it has!

Let's hope and pray our undesirable, global separateness annihilates this despicable Corona virus so we can stride into a 'revised, healthy, environmentally friendly, kinder world' normality.

My comforting Little Mate ...

Today was the first time in a while I actually felt I achieved something by spending the whole day at home on the farm. The last seven months are a blur of diverse, frenzied, family issues and logistics I altruistically, clumsily fumbled my way through.

Consequently my own life agenda piled up and fell by the wayside, waiting impatiently for my attention.

Now at the end of my working day, I'm worn out, bruised and smelly with bits of leaves and twigs protruding from my tied up hair. Burst blisters are hurting my tired hands, but nevertheless, it feels good! I'm enjoying the sense of achievement.

This was once my norm, especially during the early years of our country/sea change. I'd be in solitude most days with beautiful, earth-colored, multicultural cattle curiously supervising my work, while following me around the farm.

During that tranquil time I absorbed the serenity of nature like a sponge. It was grounding and put everything I valued into it's rightful perspective. It also highlighted elements of my life where I chose to waste my energy. During the silence of the days I learned to decipher that which I needed to let go.

Today seemed no different. Welcomed hours of solitude to grit my teeth into pending work, embraced by fresh air and the scent of our native land.

However, today 'was' different.

It felt different.

Knowing the whole world was presently self-isolating as best it could, in this somewhat surreal, challenging time, felt eerie. I noticed even the customary symphonic voice of nature was quieter than usual.

Not only was I on my own, but I literally felt 'alone' for the first time since I can remember. I seemed the only human alive.

A little unsettled, I commenced my last project for the afternoon of sawing back a high, thick bush line. I knew I wouldn't finish, but if I knocked over a decent chunk before nightfall, I'd feel content.

I'd cut a length of about ten metres when I reached the first Gum tree. We have two, quite sparse gums nestled among the bushy windbreak. Looking up, there within the rugged flora, I noticed a fluffy round, grey and white ball.

Curiously gazing more closely, I saw sharp, strong claws tightly gripping a branch and I realised, much to my delight, the fluffy ball was the backside of a koala. He was sound asleep, hugging the limb and completely undisturbed by my noise; content in deep slumber.

The scene made me smile.

I wasn't alone at all!

Who was I kidding?

I began to speak to my little friend and apologized for the racket my saw was creating, not to mention the branches pounding to the ground.

But he didn't mind. In fact, he ignored my voice and seemed completely oblivious to my presence.

I watched him gently swaying on his flimsy branch among the busyness of the bush, unperturbed by his surroundings, comfortable and at peace.

I too felt a sense of calm wash over me. This little guy wasn't worried about the effect the Corona virus could bestow upon the world. He lived mindfully in the moment, appreciating the joy his experience gifted.

I giggled to myself. He was role-modelling an excellent example of self isolation though!

I continued to admire the sleeping koala for a while and insightful thoughts, maybe messages, came to mind. My new friend seemed to dissolve all my feelings of uneasiness.

Relax, breathe and go with the flow, while doing the best I can to support the decrease of this viral contagion.

Rest. Allow for quality sleep to support my immune system.

Add more greens to my diet toward optimal health and vitality.

Don't overthink crazy thoughts. Keep my emotions contained or they'll screw with my head.

But most importantly I sensed this gorgeous ball of fluff let me know I was 'never' alone, and all is well ... and will remain so.